Immediately following Jack's CT scan, we decided to take Jack to his favorite place, The Mall. I admit, I even like the mall now. We preceded to take Jack to all of his favorite stores. At the toy store, Susie and I played with all the toys while Jack watched his parents regress to just a little older than himself. Then it was on to the bookstore where we read all the latest books. Susie read to Jack while he gnawed on all the books. Susie and I decided we were hungry after the ridiculously traumatic day of seeing Jack undergo tests and decided to eat, finally.
Throughout the past 5 months, the one thing Susie and I have been able to consistently think positively about is the fact that Jack has been healthy. Suddenly, we have found ourselves worrying about, not only his health, but the potential of him having something as serious as a brain tumor. Deep down I was feeling like it was going to be a cyst which needed to be removed. Every time I look at Jack, I can't help but think, there's a monster in that little head. At the same time, I recognized the need to fake as if I was not worried at all. I foound that the only thing that made me feel better was playing with my baby boy.
We ate our lunch in the food court of the mall and set out to shop for socks. Jack wanted some new socks. Susie's phone rang and Dr. Kalter's office showed up on her cell phone display. We both stare at each other. She didn't get to the phone fast enough and it stopped ringing before she could answer. Upon checking the message, Dr. Kalter asked her to call back. I said to Susie, let's find a place to sit and call him back right away. I then stopped and thought out loud, it is not likely good news if they are calling back just a couple of hours after the scan. We didn't expect a call back until about 4 days. Susie realized this was true and called the office after we found the food court again and took a seat. I stared at Susie as she called the office. Kalter got on the phone and preceded to give Susie the news. Susie showed a faint smile and I heard her repeat, "that's good", smiling bigger and looking to me". I jumped up and squeezed Jack, ready to run around. Then I notice Susie's expression change and her voice moved to a slight quiver. "Okay, can I let you repeat all of that to my husband", she says looking confused and worried.
Dr. Kalter repeated everything he had said to Susie again to me. "What we were looking for was fluid on the brain and the good news is we didn't find that", pause. "What we did find is what appears to be something on the outside of the brain which may or may not be a cyst and it appears to possibly be putting pressure on the brain". I very calmly ask him what this means. He proceeds to tell me that the next step is to do an MRI in order to be more sure about where to go from here. Kalter tells me we need to get an appointment as soon as we can get one but indicates there is no immediate hurry. I then calmly indicate that we want to get this done in a hurry and I ask how we know there is no hurry. He then states, seeming possibly annoyed, that the reason there is no hurry is because there is no symptoms of brain damage at this time. I then begin to sound urgent. I ask him, how can we make this go faster? He replies that we can't. He indicates we need to pick up an order for the MRI from his office and then we can call and set up the MRI. I then ask somewhat panicked, "what can we do at this point? How worried should we be? We are both having a very difficult time with all of this". He then says, "there is nothing you can do and you should act with purpose but it is not an emergency at this point". I say okay and ask if we can pick up the order for the MRI immediately...he says it will be ready as soon as we want to pick it up. I hang up the phone.
The hope of this being over in one phone call is gone. It becomes apparent, we're in this for the long haul. We find our way out of the mall. Barely talking, I suddenly feel like I am in a long tunnel searching for the light at the end. I continue to smile and talk to Jack all the way out to our car. Susie and I decide to go straight to the Dr. office and get the order so we can schedule our next visit to our newfound friends at the hospital. As one might expect, it isn't going to be that easy to get an MRI, as the people who like to make our lives miserable decide to show back up again. Surely, there are secret meetings to make the Raskins crazy. However, at this point, I've lost every bit of care for myself and only want my baby to be okay. Jack continues to think everything is going better than normal as Susie and I are clearly dedicated to keeping him away from our anxiety, laughing with Jack is the coping mechanism of choice at this point.
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