Let's talk about fathers for a second...

...what the hell have all of you men done to leave me with all of these misconceptions and socially prescribed schema. First of all, I feed my baby too, equally as often as Susie except when she is home and I am at work, due to her being part-time now. I also get up in the night, equally as often, change his diapers, equally as often, and kiss and hold him, equally as often. I give the baths, solely. I take him on walks, just the two of us. I never hand him off to Sue with the idea, "she's the mother" or "he must just want his mom". I go to all the doctor appointments and pick out clothes for him by myself. Further, I make dinner every night for my wife and I, except when we pick up dinner (mostly Boston Market as it is 1/2 a minute away) or eat out (mainly Baja Burrito).

Now to the point of all of this. I don't do any of these things because I'm trying to be a good father or husband, I do it because I have to, for Jack. Susie is no more responsible or capable of doing any of these things than I am, which is like complimenting myself because she is excellent at being our baby's mother.

With all of this said, it saddens me greatly that I constantly get comments or end up in situations or simply encounter things like these:

1. Before Jack was born I noticed most of the toys/baby things indicated that they were great help to "moms"...for instance the bouncer box indicated something to the effect that mom's love it, calling it, something to the effect of "mother's helper".

2. Kalter (our pediatrician)has, since the beginning and throughout, often looked at Susie when asking questions like, "how is he eating, behaving, sleeping". Even after I repeatedly answer his questions indicating I know too and have repeatedly changed him and held him in front of him.

3. Everyone, from friends to work colleagues, ask things like, "is Susie getting any sleep yet".

4. A woman at the school I work at asked when finding out Jack had a cold, "Is mom getting any sleep?"

5. Another work colleague asked when finding out we were going to be away from Jack for the weekend, "Is that going to be hard for mom?" seemingly assuming it was no big deal to me.

6. A friend of Susie asked her while visiting us while in another room, "Does he help out". According to Susie, it was obvious that she expected the answer to be no.

7. I can't tell you how many times people have looked at me strangely when seeing me alone with him or changing him.

8. There are very often no changing facilities in men's public bathrooms. I have never seen another man using one of them...even before I became a father!

Most of the experiences are more subtle, like simply looking to Susie for answers to very basic questions rather than me. While that seems to have changed with the people who know us well, it still occurs often with those that don't, like at the grocery store or at a restaurant. This is reinforced by the absence of fathers visibly out with their babies. Take a look at the proportion of men with babies out and about by themselves to women with babies out and about by themselves. This is even the case on a Sunday when the majority of men and women are off of work. I would say that it is somewhere around 10 to 1 if not greater, ratio of women to men by themselves, with babies in any public place.

This idea that women are more nurturing then men by their very nature may have some merit from a biological/hormonal perspective, but, I believe this is very minimal if not altogether insignificant. In fact, I think the whole thing is socially constructed so men throughout history could rid themselves of this responsibility, not consciously for most but very much on purpose for many. However, most men neglect to share these duties equally sighting biological differences as their excuse. Further, it is now supported by society at large, in magazines, advertisements, media, and generally by individuals of society, both men and women alike. Everything supports this dynamic to stay in place. The only way it will change is if the men that aren't pretending to be incapable speak up and talk about it. Maybe eventually, the norms will change if it becomes acceptable to be a nurturing man. For christ sake, it's a baby...what is so intimidating about showing some "femininity" when it comes to your freaking child?!?! Funny thing is, I can feel my adrenaline/testosterone pumping just writing this. Ironic that I feel liking kicking the crap out of the very men that are so hellbent on being "manly fathers". Fuck you and the religious dogma you use to support your arguments!!!

I'm not at all interested in receiving kudos for doing what I should be doing. More than anything, I want Jack to grow up valuing women. This issue alerts me to the challenges that lay ahead regarding gender roles and the malady which has infected our cultural ideas of mothers and fathers. I don't think I'm a better father, just a father who is getting the full experience of being a father. Therefore, Jack is getting the full experience of me being a dad absent of social convention. Further, perhaps this will help lead to a little boy who will grow up respecting women and empower him to break from the masculine stereotypes of "how a man is supposed to be". Maybe this will help make his life a little more fulfilling and perhaps contribute to making the world a bit more bearable, if for noone else, at least for him and his kids someday.

If you don't believe in my argument, I suggest you travel to Asia or even many European countries. You will frequently see men holding hands with their kids. You will see men playing with kids. Most of all, you will see men kissing, hugging, and supervising their children, all in the absence of their mothers. Good luck finding that on any given Sunday, here in the U.S.. In India you even see little boys holding hands with other little boys and hugging just to hug, not because they have learned that this is okay but because that they have never learned that it is not okay. It is in their very nature. Makes you wonder what the impact of taking that out of our homegrown boys is. My theory...violent crimes, domestic abuse, depression, body mutilation, sexual dysfuntions, the list goes on and on.