Jack got some toys and I got a lesson in life

I realize that all the values I ever had and Susie ever had or wanted that we now have control over have become the way Susie and I want our family to be. Like most families, we want Jack to be raised with these values too.

Change happens when you have a baby...it's inevitable. One way I've changed is that all the values I ever had that I teetered back and forth with have suddenly become solid. For example, on a more salient level, violence on t.v. is suddenly much worse and it is apparent that this is not okay to have on around Jack. Yes, that means we turn the chanel if Jack is in the room and Kill Bill is on.

On a less obvious level, suddenly there will not be a football game on my television during my son's birthday party. I know to some this is a shock but it comes from wanting to teach my son about priorities and the importance of being present with those you truly care about. When Jack's older and decides, "for my birthday I want to have a party with the football game on", then that is fine. However, I don't want him to be sitting with his girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever kind of friend, someday and turning a football game on in the middle of the person's party he is simultaneously saying he cares about. I want him to want to be in the moment with whomever he allegedly cares about.

For those of you who weren't at the birthday party this weekend, you probably are wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Basically, I'm explaining why I didn't want the Miami Hurricane football game on in the background of my son's birthday.

Short answer: I wanted the day to be about Jack.

Long answer: see above and...Jack will be raised to SHOW that he cares about those he supposedly cares about. For years I had trouble being intimate with others...saying I cared and much less showing I cared. This caused me tremendous pain in relationships and caused me to miss out on experiences being more fulfilling than they were. I don't want that for Jack. I want Jack to know how to say I Love You by looking someone in the eyes, by being in the moment with them, and by doing it over and over again without discomfort. Further, I don't want him to be confused like I was. I know this sounds ridiculously mushy and not very "manly". Who the hell cares! Life is better when you can truly BE with those you love...whether it be family, friends, or complete strangers.

As a man, my experiences lead me to believe that I am not the only man that has struggled with being intimate with others. I don't mean the bedroom kind of intimacy where most of us try to overcompensate expressing how much we care in the wrong setting by "making love to you baby". Most of my male friends gowing up and now don't say much about what they like about each other. They probably do this with the women they love but they typically, in my experience, don't even do this with each other about the women they love. In fact, often it's the opposite. They pretend to not care as much, "old ball and chain", or "whatever she says I just do it", "she's the boss". Unfortunately, many of them have crappy relationships with their significant others with no real intimacy either. While this is certainly not a blanket theory as not all men are this way, I do feel that our society in general rewards men for being less intimate at least with superficial rewards like power over and with other men and "bagging chicks"...visit any college campus any day of the week if you don't agree with me. Or, allow me to tape a conversation behind closed doors between any group of men. Trust me, the conversation will 90% of the time indicate less than stellar results on the intimacy scale.

This is precisely why I want to try and raise Jack this way. I know the football game seems trivial but to me it's not. It's a subtle lesson in priorities and what truly matters.

I think that we get very few opportunities to make meaning in our lives. One way we do this is by having truly intimate relationships with others. In the end, this is one of just a few ways by which we measure happiness. Hopefully, Jack will be very happy someday and if I can help facilitate that by not playing a football game at his b-day party than, yipppee!!!

If not, oh well. At least I tried. In the end, it's only important that Jack knows that his mother and I feel this way. He will decide to accept or reject this value. He will also need to cope with all of those, the majority of people in my experience, that don't hold this value or at the very least don't uphold it.

Jack will never be confused about who or what comes first when it comes to his dad...you do buddy!